Argh. Fine, but 'fuckwittage' ought to be a word… don't I get half points for that? No, YOU'RE immature. Whatever. Scrabble's stupid. #
If I have to add heat before it goes in my tummy, it counts as cooking. #
Why must it be a case of the Mondays; maybe you're just an asshole? #
Well, I've made a complete mess of things, so I'm going out for a few hours to relax. Future me's going to be pissed when he gets home. #
Why must it be a case of the Mondays; maybe you're just an asshole? #
Well, I've made a complete mess of things, so I'm going out for a few hours to relax. Future me's going to be pissed when he gets home. #
I only watch America's Next Top Model for the articles. #
Soo… turns out 'hung parliament' doesn't mean what I thought it did. #
WOW. Dinner looks amazing! Her: AND it's all-natural. Me: Oh, that's not going to work. I only eat super-natural chickens. Her: [crickets]. #
The five second rule only applies if there's someone else in the room, right?
Also, how long can pizza be on the floor and remain edible? #
WOW. Dinner looks amazing! Her: AND it's all-natural. Me: Oh, that's not going to work. I only eat super-natural chickens. Her: [crickets]. #
The five second rule only applies if there's someone else in the room, right?
Also, how long can pizza be on the floor and remain edible? #
Few things are as aggravating as waking up to a spectacular ass day, then running into no one of importance the entire day. #
If there's a lesson we can learn from the Kentucky Derby, it's that mint juleps are essentially liquified amnesia. Has anyone seen my pants? #
It's not a suit, it's a grown-up costume. Her: That explains the marker stains, but the cape? Me: Batman's a grown up. Her: …Touché. #
Today we're playing the office floor is made of lava, except the lava is piles of paper and I don't care if you step on them.#springcleaning #
Today we're playing the office floor is made of lava, except the lava is piles of paper and I don't care if you step on them.#springcleaning #
What do I wear? Her: Anything. Fashion is about confidence. Me: But I'm not confident. Her: Then go nude. Me: … yeah? Her: [profanity]. #
Sometimes I feel pretty grown up and accomplished. Then I remember how often I use my fingers as a counting aid. #
In my defense, the shots were too contrasty to be documentary, and not emotive enough to be art. Where's your sense of craft, Black's? #
Today I learned that the passport photo girl gets really bitchy when provided with unsolicited art direction. #
I'm not immature, I'm a performance artist. I call this piece "boy as girl, in man".
The reviews haven't been positive. #
It seems I've reached the age where I can look at my watch several times and still have no idea what time it is. So, I have that… [sigh]. #
What's a "relationship"? #
More conflicts need to be solved via dance-off. #
Gin should come with a warning label. #
Ouch. The chubby child has reached a maturing point quicker than usual. To his credit, the first two jumps were pretty rad. #
A chubby child on my street has discovered how to build bike jumps. This should end well. #
Audi A4, double-parked in front of an occupied wheelchair space – the douchebag hat-trick. Wow. #
Ouch. The chubby child has reached a maturing point quicker than usual. To his credit, the first two jumps were pretty rad. #
A chubby child on my street has discovered how to build bike jumps. This should end well. #
Audi A4, double-parked in front of an occupied wheelchair space – the douchebag hat-trick. Wow. #
"My inbox doesn't have a Twitter".
My mom: giver of life, and decades of unintentional entertainment. #
Bullet points hide poor grammar in the same way loud music hides fart smell. #