I wish you could freebase coffee. #
Thanks for tattling about sentences ending with prepositions. This is precisely the sort of thing up with which I will not put. #
Man's explored other worlds using less technology than what's in my smartphone, but I can't I buy a bag of M&Ms that are all blue? #WTF #
You know how italics are all slanty? I'm like that all the time. #
Today I learned that my 'clicks be kickin'.
And that clicks means shoes and kicking is good. Thanks, pleasant random urban youth! #
I need to start a rent-a-mom service.
Or at least hire one of those special-ed ladies to follow me around.
I'm huuuuuungry. #
Also, without access to a mom (or grocery store where I can project a helpless baby bird vibe until a nice lady helps) how do I get dinner? #
Without access to a mom, how does [...]
Gym guy to pretty girl: I can dead lift 500 lbs. Me: I can't. But we could shop and share our feelings maybe? Who'd you rather? Check. Mate. #
Ugh. That man is the human equivalent of finding a pubic hair on a bar of soap. #
Far too few products are available in jerky-form. #
Fact: The number of beautiful women I will run into whilst running errands is directly related to how unkempt I look. #
Seniority is a corporation's way of deterring youthful ambition. #
The liver is evil and needs to be punished. Cheers! #
It's so hot, I'm pretty sure Environment Canada just declared my swamp ass a protected wetland. #
Happy Birthday America! You guys are alright, so we talked to Mexico and decided you can keep riding bitch on our continent. [hugs!] #
The Swedish people have too strong a foothold in the gummy market. #
Did I say I was Brazilian? Sorry, I meant Dutch.
#WorldCup #
Extra large, double double, please.
Double double.
Extra large.
Double double.
I got a medium French vanilla.
Damn you Tim Horton's. #
More things need to be made from tennis ball fuzz. #
Old marketing folk: Uploading a half-assed video to YouTube does not mean you've "gone viral". #
Old marketing folk: Uploading a half-assed video to YouTube does not mean you've "gone viral". #
Weddings are one of the few occasions left where mad chicken dancing skills are asset. #
If wearing too much cheap perfume got you drunk, this wedding would be a lot more entertaining. #
I love weddings. They're so romantic.
And by romantic, I mean I have a pretty decent shot at making out with that skanky bridesmaid. [...]
I keep dreaming I'm being eaten by a muppet.
Am I gay for cookie monster, or is my new fuzzy blue blanket just not working out?
Her: [...] #
MC Hammer claimed to be too legit to quit, then quit.
Postmodern meditation on legitimacy, or ironic blunder? Discuss. #
W00T! We won an award! Special thanks to @Designedgemag
http://tinyurl.com/38oe6l8 #
Just so we're all clear; we're going to blame the earthquake on the G20, right? Damned hippies.
#G20 #Earthquake #
My tummy hurts… too much candy. On the upside, I now have a nougat centre. #